By Ranga Mberi
If you have ever driven on Zimbabwe’s roads, you would by now know that certain unique rules apply. You may be wondering what these rules are. Well, wonder no more. As a frequent driver on Zimbabwe’s highways, I crown myself an informed expert in the dark arts of Zimbabwean highway driving.
First of all, forget everything you read in that silly book they call the Highway Code. There is a real code for driving on roads in Zimbabwe in general, and Harare in particular. Abandon everything you thought you knew about driving. Your so-called knowledge of this matter is useless on our roads.
I have decided to share the real road rules with you, the uninformed masses.
Rule Number 1: Speed
You have the fastest car in Zimbabwe in particular, and in Africa in general. Since you were a kid, growing up in the fabled dusty streets of (*insert appropriate hood with dusty streets*), or the equally fabled leafy suburbs, you always told anyone who cared to listen: “One day I’ll drive the fastest car in Zimbabwe, or Africa at large”.
Now, people must see you living the dream. How else would they see it if you don’t drive faster than everyone? Step on it. What is a speed limit to a powerful engine?
Overtaking: This is your road. You and you alone
Because of Rule Number 1, it is inevitable that you’ll have to overtake all these other foolish drivers who don’t have fast cars. Be aware that the sections most recommended for executing this inevitable manoeuvre include, but are not limited to, blind rises, and blind curves, five metres from the toll gates, and so on.
Those continuous, solid white lines on the road? These strange lines drawn in the middle of the road? They mean nothing. It was probably because the roadworks guys had a surplus like Mthuli and decided to liberally apply white paint continuously for no reason whatsoever. It’s probably just our usual decor. Or a tender scam. Just overtake.
How to overtake
Because you are faster than everyone in Africa, you will inevitably have to overtake multiple cars at once. Feel free to do this against oncoming traffic. Why not? Should a car approach from the oncoming side – for no other reason than to annoy you – remember that the drivers you are overtaking have an obligation to brake and allow you to squeeze back into the lane.
I mean, surely, why can’t people brake dangerously and let you slide in? Do they want you to have a head-on collision? Idiots!
The gap is not for safety. It’s for fools
When a driver in front of you is leaving a gap with the car in front of them, it’s not because they have the basic good sense to observe the old “safe following distance” rule which they read in that fake Highway Code.
This is Zimbabwe. Why waste land? No. That gap, my friend, has been left open for one reason alone – for you to overtake and slide into. It is not a safety measure. It is yours to take by force, as the Bible says.
Night driving: Blind them with your brilliance
When driving at night, make sure to use the full glare of your headlamps as liberally as possible. How else would people know you have Don’t worry about blinding other drivers. Why are they on the road at night even? Where are they going? If the full glare isn’t enough, visit the nearest Kaguvi auto shop and acquire for yourself one of those LED light bars. Apparently, hunters use them in the bush. No reason why you can’t hunt down fellow drivers by night.
A little drink never hurt
Who drives while sober? Is it not scientifically proven that one’s ocular capacity improves significantly when one drives while inebriated by liquefied substances of a wildly intoxicating nature? A stop at every bottle store is mandatory. Put the beer bottle between your legs and hit the road.
Seatbelts? For who?
Honestly, this goes without saying; which self-respecting Zimbabwean wears seatbelts?
Traffic lights? For what?
Remember, just like road markings, traffic lights – when they work – are mere suggestions. If it is red, feel free to turn down such a lame suggestion. Proceed. If someone is, for no reason, waiting for the robot to go green, hoot. If they’re half a second late to drive off when it turns green, hoot. If they’re slowing down against an amber light, hoot. We have no time.
Skip that queue. Grab that lane
Should there be a long queue of cars waiting to enter an intersection, there are various ways to intervene. First, overtake everyone by driving in the opposite lane. You’re the only one with places to go, things to do, unlike all these idiots just waiting their turn for no reason. They aren’t as busy as you. Make sure if someone is turning right, you go to the front of the line. Block everyone.
Finally: Know who to blame
Now, should, somehow, another car crash into you as you observed these basic highway rules, it was NOT due to your driving. It’s one of the following factors:
- Witchcraft: People from your mother’s side are trying to delay your divine destiny. They’re jealous because you’re the only one in your village with a car, especially a fast one.
- Evil spirits roaming the country: There are bad spirits moving across the country due to stolen elections. The country needs cleansing prayers to rid it of the spirit of accidents.
- Bad roads: Even when you crash on a good stretch of highway, after your have overtaken on a clearly marked section, blame the potholes in Waterfalls.
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